You've Just Been Mullered!

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, 'Nope,
sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie.
So... what'll it be?'

The woman did not hesitate. She said, 'I want peace in the Middle East .
See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other
and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa.
It will bring about world peace and harmony.'

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, 'Lady, be reasonable.
These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of
shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not
THAT good! I don't think it can be done.

Make another wish and please be reasonable.'

The woman thought for a minute and said, ' Well, I've never been able to
find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic,
likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets
along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is
faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man.'

The genie let out a sigh, rolled his eyes and said,

'Let me see the map again.'

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off..

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have, similar to my character lines

33 reasons Im single!

 

1. I wanna melt in your mouth, not in your hands
2. Can I borrow a 20p? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell her that I just met the girl of my dreams I want to call your mom and thank her.
3. Is your dad a thief?? ["No."] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? (Be ready with a snappy response in case they say "yes")
4. Your so hot, you melt the elastic in my underwear.
5. Would you be my love buffet?? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?
6. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
7. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
8. You must be tired. ["Why?"] You were running through my dreams all night.
9. That outfit would look great crumpled in a heap on my bedroom floor.
10. My name's [state your name]. That's so you know what to scream.
11. My name's [state your name], but you can call me "Lover."
12. Nice shoes. Wanna fcuk??
13. What do you say we go out for a pizza and then a fcuk?? ["No."] You don't like pizza?? (Be ready with a snappy response in case they say "okay")
14. Can I flirt with you??
15. Your dad must've been a baker cuz you got a nice set of buns.
16. (Look at his/her shirt tag.) When they ask, "What are you doing?" Reply, "Checking to see if you were made in heaven."
17. All those curves, and me with no brakes.
18. If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
19. fcuk me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?
20. [Grab his/her ass] Pardon me, is this seat taken??
21. Is it hot in here or is it just you?
22. Can you give me directions? ["To where?"] Your heart.
23. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
24. How 'bout you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up.
25. Do you know what would look good on you? Me.
26. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
27. How 'bout you and I go back to my place and get out of these clothes?
28. [Tap your thigh.] You just think this is my leg.
29. Say, that's a nice [dress/outfit/shirt/article of clothing]. Can I talk you out of it?
30. I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
31. I hope you know CPR cuz you take my breath away.
32. Excuse me, is that semen in your hair?
33. My face is leaving in 15 minutes. Be on it.

 

Well there are others, but its a start!

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly dude. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him. The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her.

"Is it true you're a prostitute?"

"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"

"I get $100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there..."

"$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?"

"You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on hand jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."

The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life. The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.

"Last night was incredible!"

"Of course it was. Just wait til you try one of my blow jobs..."

"How much is that?"

"$500"

"$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"

"You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building. "I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blow jobs. Trust me, it's worth it."

Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints - twice. The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up.

"I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?"

She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, here between the buildings he can see Manhattan. "You see that island?"

"Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!"

She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!"

I dont believe it?  How can he be brought back, and added to that the only way he can be is to be made a lord!  This is a ludicrous decision and a kick in the face to all of us.  Peter Bloody Mandleson has been re-added to the cabinet.  This man has been disgraced twice out of the cabinet, but like a bad penny keeps returning and costing us tax payers.  Im scared now just how low can this government go?